Nov 27 2005

In life we struggle,

in death we lie in peace.

go softly my old friends,

pass in the night.

let your souls confess.

do not linger.

we live in on,

in our daily scourge.

we think of you.

Two days in the life of.....

So we have to people pass at my job in the last two days. One was expected, the other was not. That is the hardest part about working in a nursing home. The ones that are meant to go, you feel for them when they can't let go of life. And the ones that go suddenly, you feel for their family, you miss them greatly, but you still trudge on with your daily work. I like my job. I like the connection I feel to all the people around me there, even the rest of the nursing staff. But these are the days that bum me out a little bit. Ok, there is my little piece of brain for today.

Nov 23 2005

Lost,
I cry.

alone,
I rejoice.

pain,
starvation,
I am sorry.

my words are lost.
my minds a blur,
I can not explain.
I am sorry.

found,
hope,
for me,
for you,
hope.

gratitude,
this great enveloping feeling.
I am sorry.
I sucked you in.
now we all are trapped.

I have over come

In life we live threw each new trial with some sort of new found strength. I have over come a great deal in my life. Most brought on by myself. And I have fought it, all of it. This has made me the woman I am today. The woman who writes, the woman who laughs, the woman who cries. I cry for a lot these days. I cry for my daughter, I cry for my husband. I cry for an incredible man, who fights more than all of us combined do. He does it Dailey. He has strength unsurpassed. I find myself in an odd way. Lost, yet secure. On a path I have no idea were it goes, yet I follow it with utter faith that I am headed right. My husband told me tonight that he is confused. You see about two weeks ago I moved out of our house, I separated our paths. They have been joined for more than 10 years. To start my own. My very own, no tag along. Well except for my girl, but she doesn't count on this independent journey. She is me, my life force, and I miss her horribly. I can not find a way to explain to the man what I need. Why this is what I must do. I can not find the words. They are lodged in my head. As lost to me as my heart.

this is right, I know it is. This will make me strong, as all things do. Liberation!!!

NOV 15 2005

An embrace of strength,

one that you may think is weak,

engulfs me.

I can barely breath,

There are moments were my heart will break.

I cannot step away,

Yet my mind is breaking.

this amniotic feeling you give me,

slow moving desire,

my stomach trembles.

yet still I cannot step away.

you encompass me,

This gives me great fear.

I am unguarded,

yours.

Oh woe is me

So Thursday morning I moved out my house. I left my husband, not sure if it is for good, or temporary or what. Only time will tell I guess. It has been hard, yet at the same time most liberating. I feel like I can breath again. We have been together for ten years, 17 to 27. I need to try to figure out if we are together for each other or just for the comforbility factor of our whole adult lives. I am starting to think the latter. Again time will tell. So know I live across the street from my job, not 40 miles over a mountain pass. I have the option to see all my friends when ever I want to, god that is so nice. Ok so my brain just farted out. I will write more on something later.


p.s I make up words sometimes, sorry about that

a blooming affair,

a hunger.

devour me,

lust for me.

serenity,

calls for us.

a flower lies stark,

open in beauty.

it calls me,

home.

One year later

The mountains here are so painfully beautiful. They could almost make you weep. I drove today, for hours. As far back as my little car would take me. The further I went, the more I wished I could just ride in, and stay, never to emerge. The ground was all crusted with the last snow. And it was raining, tree branches lined the road, it was so quiet and peaceful. My brain actually started to sort threw the chaos. It was perfect. Serene. I understand, why, after 15 years, why people can stay here. Its heartbreaking, awe striking. I have had moments here, where it takes my breath away. But this year, every time I drive to work. Or just drive to drive, to get away, it catches me. The way the light shifts over the ground. The way the moon rises from the inky blackness that is the mountains, to shine as high as she can get before she descend to the other side of the valley, behind the blackness of the night mountains. I my never leave here. I am ok with that. This is my home, these mountains are my home. I feel lost (more so than normal) when I am not in sight of mountains. When they don't hold my every breath.

This summer I swam in the river. I felt that same power from the water. Its nature. I think I have hit a place in my existence, where I could not possibly dwell in the city. Not for long, not for ever. Will that realization ground me? I don't know. I am swirling internally. I can not find leverage. Orbiting, trying to destroy myself. Why? Why can I not see the good, see the humor. Why does it not pulse threw me like the rest of it does. The anger, the desolation, the chaos and confusion? What would I be like, as that person, the contented human being, the optimist? Boring? More so, not that I am all that interesting at the present. Nothing changes on the inside, it just lies at bay from time to time. EH, fuck, I'm good with that, I can be content with my disfunctional self. Can anyone else be?

Dec.16.2004

A crazy life,
a half life.
A loss,
so inexplicable,
it devours.

nov.19.2004

Cold consumes,
devours us whole,
halts our lives.

Am I sane,
why must I stay?

Cold consumes,
freezes my mind.

Can we express,
or must we stay hidden?

Cold consumes,
warmth calls from the abyss,
can I find it?

Oh so once again, I am neglectful....

SO we have been back from LA and AZ for about two weeks now, and I am finally back to this blog.....I am such a slacker. I have been trying to figure out the next step in my life, and that has been consuming me. So I take my GED next week. And when I pass (see I say that without any doubt, because I am smart, lol) I will then take my CNA course for three or four weeks, and then I can go get a job, I hope. Then hopefully the man will relax a little bit, and stop trying to molest me, lol. So I have been trying to write poetry, just so I can keep posting stuff. Hopefully it doesn't suck to bad.

California was great, my brothers little girl is so cute and sweet and smart, she and Alexa were fast friends. It rained the whole time we were there. So all of our activities were sort of confined to stuff we could do pleasantly in the rain. Which wasn't a whole lot. But it was a good trip, and I am so glad we went. My brother and I mended our relationship some what, and I feel much better about him living on the same planet as us now, ha.

Arizona, well it rained there too. That part of the trip seemed to drag on a little bit. There really isn't anything to do there when it is raining, but go to the mall and things like that. And we just didn't have any money to go shopping for 7 days. But my Friends wedding was beautiful, and it didn't rain that day, and the reception was fun. I wish we could have seen her more while we were there. But she had a wedding to get threw so I understand. Her bachelorette party was fun, even if I did end up being the DD. Ah what else is new. The drive back absolutely sucked, why to long. But I think we have decided to move to Phoenix, maybe, hopefully!!! We'll see on that one. K that's it, I am gonna post poetry now.